February 16, 2005
Exhaustion
I do not think I've ever been so tired as I was last night as I collapsed on the cot in the hovel on North Wall Street (I could not go home and let Tal see me like this, more questions I would rather not answer. Better that he simply tell me off for coming in late, or.. at this rate, not at all tonight).
But, I lie. I have been much more tired. So mentally exhausted that the muscles within me won't move when I tell them to. After the incident four years ago, I think I must of passed out for months. I never did find out who it was that brought me back. Whether it was him, or the Guardian. Not Tal, though I had ensured that Taliesin would be in Telantha and thus safe from what we had planned (he would of only tried to stop us). My Guardian - we all had one - was Kunglar. And he was certainly built for it (perhaps he had some Skrel'eth blood in him).
Essentially it was his job to ensure that I was not interrupted, that nothing halted what it was that I was doing. Each of us had one. I picked him carefully. I trusted him with my life and had broken him out of Yarsin's prison especially for the job. I think he is gone now. Dead to the plague, though I had on confirmation of that. But so many died, that it would not be inconceivable that I would not of heard. So there were six of us. And all of us survived initially, but so few of us left now.
My muscles ache, and my wrist still hurts from where the Fury had twisted it. I had not noticed it so much till now, lying here. So tired, and yet unable to sleep. He had given me a potion of sorts, to restore my energies. It gave me a tingly feeling at first, and it certainly helped. Or would help once I got a good nights sleep. Maybe it is the potion that I had that keeps me awake. A side effect perhaps.
I can tell that Taliesin knows something is up. But what choice do I honestly have? But... the thing that worries me is that a part of me is enjoying it. The challenge of it, there will be a couple of things I doubt that I can acquire, and I plan to keep a little of it back in storage for myself (not to use right away.. but perhaps in the future).
I think, sometimes... I do not deserve happiness, not after what I did. I think.. maybe, that's why I do what I do. They do not know that I don't deserve it, so I rub them the wrong way until they give me the unhappiness that I deserve. And yet, I get lonely. So I seek out people that are as undeserving in many ways as me as companions. A self destructive path I am eager to fulfil. Is there really a difference between a million lives and a million and one when it comes to standing before Morhiag in judgement? Nothing I can do now will ever compare.