June 11, 2007
Creationists. Again.
Though this time, it's funny.
Associated Press via WTOL
COLUMBUS, Ohio (AP) - The man picked by the Creation Museum to play Adam leads quite a different life outside the Garden of Eden.Records show that Eric Linden owns a pornographic web site called "Bedroom Acrobat."
Museum officials today stopped airing the 40-second video after learning from The Associated Press of Linden's online appearances.
Scrawled illegibly by Meathe at 09:22 AM
May 31, 2007
Man bites dog.
In order to protest animal cruelty, Mark McGowan, performance artist (ie. attention seeking weirdo) chowed down on some Corgi meatballs.
To make the corgi more palatable, it was mixed with apple, onion and seasoning, turned into meat balls, and served with salad."I ate three lumps of it. But I spat two of them out, so I really ate one and a half of them," McGowan said.
Scrawled illegibly by Meathe at 09:13 AM
April 10, 2007
Suspected. Right.
Reuters (who else) brings insane political correctness:
CASABLANCA (Reuters) - A suspected suicide bomber blew himself up
I put $50 on the next edit saying "An alleged..."
Lost that one. They next changed the intro and added a second paragraph:
Three suspected bombers detonated their explosive belts, killing themselves and at least one police officer and wounding more than 20 people in a police raid on a safe house in which a fourth was shot dead, police sources said.
Still suspected to be suicide bombers after self-detonating.
I wonder if they're angling for a job at the UN.
Scrawled illegibly by Meathe at 10:31 PM
March 20, 2007
Long Live Knut.
You know animal liberationists have gone off the deep end when they call for the killing of a healthy baby polar bear.
Why?
Because its humiliating to have him bottle fed. Really. Click for a picture of the bear they want to kill.
"Kill the bear. Save the... erm... Shit, what's not cute and fuzzy that we can sell?"
"Species appropriate". Frank Albrecht, you are a fucking idiot.
Scrawled illegibly by Meathe at 10:22 PM
November 01, 2006
Lawyer arrested...
In the annals of moonbattery, this one is rather special.
Thomas J. Connolly, of Scarborough, a prominent defense attorney and 1998 Democratic candidate for governor was charged with criminal threatening this morning after an incident beside Interstate 295.
He's also the guy who released information in 2000 about
President George W. Bush's drunken driving conviction 48 hours before the vote, but that has little relevance.
South Portland police were notified around 9 a.m. that a man wearing a rubber Osama bin Laden mask was standing on top of a berm along the highway carrying a sign that said “I Love Tabor,”
"There was a First Amendment this morning when I woke up. I don't know how it evaporated with the dawn," he said.
Well, that's not so bad, the man has a right to protest and free speech is protected - though the relevance of Bin Laden to the Taxpayer's Bill of rights is questionable.
... and waving what appeared to be an assault rifle.Four South Portland officers and two state troopers converged on the man. They drew their guns when he did not respond to their demand that he drop his weapon.
Police said instead he walked toward them dropping plastic hand grenades.
Wave an assault rifle on an interstate and chances are good people will call the police, because they might just assume its real. The nice police men will ask you to drop the weapon, because they will also assume the gun is real and that you are insane.
Mr Connolly should probably read the local statutes and then check amendments XI and X again. The State even has a handy webpage, with this gem:
Title 17-A: MAINE CRIMINAL CODE
Part 2: SUBSTANTIVE OFFENSES
Chapter 9: OFFENSES AGAINST THE PERSON
§209. Criminal threatening
1. A person is guilty of criminal threatening if he intentionally or knowingly places another person in fear of imminent bodily injury. [1975, c. 499, § 1 (new).]
2. Criminal threatening is a Class D crime. [1975, c. 499, § 1 (new).]"I didn't expect to be arrested," he said.
What did you expect? Suicide by cop?
"Obviously I touched a post-9/11 nerve."
Right. That's it. It was the rubber mask. That was the mistake. Obviously if you'd dressed up as a clown and waved an AK-47, that would have been fine.
Scrawled illegibly by Meathe at 09:54 AM
August 09, 2006
The Wanton Cruelty of the Common Comma
Modereately recently, a book was release called "Eats, shoots and leaves", contending with the misuse of punctuation.
contract n. An agreement between two or more parties, especially one that is written and enforceable by law. See Synonyms at bargain. The writing or document containing such an agreement.
One additional comma in a five page contract is set to cost Rogers Communications upwards of 2 million dollars.
Rogers had a contract with Aliant for laying cable lines across thousands of utility poles in the Maritimes for an annual fee of $9.60 per pole. The actual language in question is:
[The agreement] shall continue in force for a period of five years from the date it is made, and thereafter for successive five year terms, unless and until terminated by one year prior notice in writing by either party.
Rogers is saying that gives them an iron-clan guarantee of five years plus the option of another five and that the intent is clear. Aliant has given them one year warning (three years into the original contract) and is hiking the prices.
Under common law, agreement is a necessary element of a valid contract. Under Uniform Commercial Code section 1-201(3), agreement is the bargain of the contracting parties as represented explicitly by their language or implicitly by other circumstances (as a course of dealings).
If the second comma wasn't there, Rogers would be correct. That lone fleck of ink, however, means that the sentence can and is interpretted exactly the way Aliant wishes and that they may cancel the contract with 12 months notice.
Whoops.
Scrawled illegibly by Meathe at 12:43 PM
August 01, 2006
It bounced? Oh my. How terrible.
The Times carries the story of Roy Thayers, a seventy seven year old pensioner in London, was in a bit of a pickle. He needed heart surgery, but his doctors told him he would probably die on the nine-month waiting list. Or he could have private surgery at £8000, a sum he couldn't afford.
So he wrote out a cheque knowing that by the time it bounced, the operation would be over. He is now repaying the debt at a rate of £25 a week (discounting interest, it will take 6 years and eight weeks to pay off)
"I’ve never been a debtor in my life, but it was either that, or rigor mortis — I would have been a dead man. I think every man or woman would have done the same."
Damn skippy.
Scrawled illegibly by Meathe at 10:27 AM
June 08, 2006
When I said I liked a head on my beer...
Kineo Okada (Tokyo, Japan), has applied for United States patent no. 7,037,541.
A method for producing a beverage, comprising the steps of providing an aqueous animal extract, fermenting said aqueous animal extract with lactic acid bacteria, and fermenting the product of lactic acid bacteria fermentation with yeast fermentation, to produce an alcoholic beverage.
So, liquified meat extract, meat stock and/or bone extract is fermented to produce a meat liquor.
The resulting product has a distinctive flavor, is storage stable, and is nutritious.
'Distinctive flavour' does not nescesarily mean good.
Theres a recipe at the bottom of the patent, should you be tempted by the thought of an alcoholic chicken stock.
Scrawled illegibly by Meathe at 10:12 AM
June 05, 2006
Why not celebrate 6/6/6 in Hell?
Michigan has a small town named Hell. And for tomorrow, the sixth day of the sixth month of the sixth year (if you ignore those four digit dates), they're throwing a party.
Nobody is more fired up than John Colone, the town's self-styled mayor and owner of a souvenir shop."I've got '666' T-shirts and mugs. I'm only ordering 666 (of the items) so once they're gone, that's it," said Colone, also known as Odum Plenty. "Everyone who comes will get a letter of authenticity saying you've celebrated June 6, 2006, in Hell."
Most of the goodies are selling for $6.66, and include ownership to one square inch of Hell.
Live entertainment and a costume contest are planned. The Gates of Hell should be installed at a children's play area in time for the festivities."They're 8 feet tall and 5 foot wide and each gate looks like flames, and when they're closed, it's a devil's head," Colone told The Detroit News for a Saturday story.
I can't think of a better place for the gates of hell than a playground, especially if the kids have been at the red cordial1.
1 While in the US, cordial is a synonym for liqueur, in the UK, NZ and Australia, a thick, sweet syrup (which may or may not contain real fruit) which is diluted with water for drinking. The red colouring has been proven to drastically increase hyperactivity in children.
Scrawled illegibly by Meathe at 10:10 AM
May 09, 2006
Miss, we baked cookies!
In a story from Maine Today, reminiscent of Douglas Lynch and the mormons, a mother has been charged with misdemeanor assault for...
... helping her daughter make cookies laced with the laxative Ex-Lax appeared before a judge Monday and pleaded innocent ...
The cookies were never eaten by the target of the prank, a teacher who had reportedly given one of the girls a low grade ... (they) were left on the desk of the teacher on April 10, along with a note saying "We made these cookies just for you, hope you enjoy them."
According to an affidavit filed in Skowhegan District Court and signed by Maine State Trooper Hugh I. Landry, Hunt told the girls how to crush the laxative pills and add them to the cookie batter. They used an entire box of pills, according to the affidavit.
Which is the kind of young criminal genius activity I would normally appreciate, though the mothers obvious encouragement and involvement negates that. Aparently, the teacher, a sharing type, did not scoff the tainted treats as hoped, and instead shared them with the class.
None of it, however, has the sheer schadenfreude potential of Doug's - which also landed him in court (as reported in Australia's Age newspaper, 16/12/1999 - the original article is available as a pay-per-view here)
Douglas Lynch and his mate Alexander McLean invited some door-knocking mormons in for cookies and tea. For unbeknownst reasons, it appears the mormons got more peckish ...
Elder Tom Pettit, a U.S. citizen, told the court that he and his companion went to the home to teach a man named Doug who they had met in the street earlier in the week. Lynch and McLean then offered the missionaries 30 freshly baked small (hash) cookies, of which the Elders ate 10 to 12 each, while their hosts ate three or four.
Which led to hospital, a stomach pump and legal charges.
McLean plead not guilty ... while Lynch plead guilty to charges of cultivating, using and possessing cannabis. Upon leaving the court, Mclean said that "If they knock on our door again they are quite welcome to come in and have a cup of coffee and a biscuit".
Scrawled illegibly by Meathe at 09:18 AM
May 05, 2006
"It doesn't hurt when it begins, But as it works its way on in..."
An Oregon man who went to a hospital with severe a headache was found to have 12 nails embedded in his skull - from a suicide attempt last year involving stupidity, methamphetamines and a nail gun.
Scrawled illegibly by Meathe at 11:13 AM
May 02, 2006
Stupid criminals are the ones who get caught.
Really stupid ones have their humiliating tales exposed in the international news.
Take this week's masked, armed bank robber, for instance. He used the car his girlfriend lent him as the getaway vechicle (after switching the licence plates). Then he abandoned it.
I imagine it would not be hard to track the owner down with anything from the VIN number or (just as likely) stuff in the glovebox.
The girlfriend, in addition to presumably being quite unhappy, told police who she loaned the car out to. Spokesman for the state prosecutors in Trier mentioned that by using his girlfriend's car, he "might as well have left his business card. It was really stupid."
Several police officers also had no trouble identifying the masked man from the surveillance video. It was their Police Commissioner.
Scrawled illegibly by Meathe at 12:18 PM
April 17, 2006
A Haitian woman who was found with a human skull in her luggage pleaded guilty in federal court Wednesday to illegally storing human remains. The human skull with teeth, hair and skin was found in Severe's checked luggage when she arrived at Fort Lauderdale-Hollywood International Airport in February from Cap Haitien, Haiti. (source)
She was originally charged with smuggling a human head into the US without proper documentation, 'failing to declare the head' and 'transporting hazardous material in air commerce', but plead them out to the misdemeanor charge of imprudent storage of someone elses head.
So, remember, if you're smuggling human heads, hiding them in an article of checked luggage that will be X-rayed is not a good choice.
Scrawled illegibly by Meathe at 01:56 PM
April 10, 2006
Large phone bill?
KUALA LUMPUR, Malaysia - Yahaya Wahab said he disconnected his late father's phone line in January after he died and settled the 84 ringgit ($23) bill... But Telekom Malaysia later sent him a 806,400,000,000,000.01 ringgit ($218 trillion USD) bill for recent telephone calls along with orders to settle within 10 days or face legal proceedings.
Update:
As D'sar has mentioned, I forgot to source this one. Sorry.
He's going to fight it in court. I don't think his words were "Bring it", but that was more or less the intent.
I think its probably the text messaging. They always screw you on that.
Scrawled illegibly by Meathe at 12:27 PM
April 05, 2006
Law and Disorder
| CENTURION: | Now, write it out a hundred times. |
| BRIAN: | Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caesar, sir. |
| CENTURION: | Hail Caesar. If it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off. |
| BRIAN: | Oh, thank you, sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caesar and everything, sir! Finished! |
Anyone who's seen Mony Python's Life of Brian will remember Brian's unexpectedly light punishment for his seditious graffiti in tangled latin. Strangely, something similar is now police policy in the UK, as reported by the Daily Mail (Dated the 3rd of April, so it wasn't the April Fools I was expecting it to be). Rules sent to police chiefs by the Home Office instruct police to let certain minor offenders off with a caution. This is something that we all hope for when pulled over for a traffic offence - but it can be taken too far.
Burglars will be allowed to escape without punishment under new instructions sent to all police forces. Police have been told they can let them off the threat of a court appearance and instead allow them to go with a caution.
A caution does stick to the record, but does not require a court appearance or merit further punishment. Personally, if the police actually caught someone in the process of ransacking my office (unlikely at the best of times) and sent them home with a caution, I'd be rather offended. But the Home Office is not finished yet. Further, the following shall be considered minor and a caution issued:
burglary of a shop or office, threatening to kill, actual bodily harm, and possession of Class A drugs such as heroin or cocaine - may now be dealt with by caution if police decide that would be the best approach. And a string of crimes including common assault, threatening behaviour, sex with an underage girl or boy, and taking a car without its owner's consent, should normally be dealt with by a caution
This does contrast a little with Tony B's election slogan of "Tough on crime, tough on the causes of crime", which made me think that I must simply have missed my morning coffee and gotten it all wrong (I hadn't). On rereading, I made a short list of things that might just get you cautioned - even if you're caught in the act.
| Arson | Assault | Burglary |
| Drug-dealing | Grand theft auto | Making death threats |
| Stalking/menacing | Statutory rape | Vandalism |
| ROMAN SOLDIER STIG: | Right. Now don't do it again. |
Scrawled illegibly by Meathe at 09:51 AM
April 03, 2006
And it burns, burns, burns, like a burnin' ring of fire...
SYDNEY (Reuters) - The 56-year-old man was at a nudist colony near Bowral, about 100 km (62 miles) southwest of Sydney, on Sunday when he spotted what he believed to be a funnel web spider hole. Ambulance workers, including a helicopter crew, were called to the scene after the man poured petrol down the hole and then lit a match in an attempt to kill the offending arachnid. "The exploding petrol fumes left the man with burns to 18 percent of his body, on the upper leg and buttocks," the NRMA Careflight helicopter rescue service said in a statement. "The fate of the bunkered spider was unknown, although other guests at the resort thought it was probably a harmless trapdoor spider and not a deadly funnel web," the statement said.
Which begs the question... If you'd just found one of these, would you go near it naked?
Scrawled illegibly by Meathe at 11:43 AM
March 31, 2006
Miscellaneous strange news of the day
NEW YORK (Reuters Health) - Middle-schoolers who sport alcohol-branded T-shirts and caps may start to drink sooner than their peers, according to a new study. The findings, researchers point out, are similar to those of studies from the 1990s that linked cigarette-branded merchandise to a greater risk of adolescent smoking.
They were probably shocked to find that kids have sex and do drugs, too.
In a story reminiscent of the carjacker who tried to steal a state-level judo team's van ("He picked the wrong vehicle to try and steal," said Officer Jerry Richter), we have a burgler in Japan:
Konoshin Kawabata, 48, was rummaging inside a room in Osaka in the early hours when he was suddenly confronted by Sumo wrestler Dewanosato, who stands 180 centimetres and weighs 131 kilograms. Dewanosato immediately shouted out 'Hey!' and 'Burglar!' as he bearhugged the man. This woke the other sixteen wrestlers in the house. "First I was caught by a massive man. When the lights turned on, I was surrounded by more than a dozen sumo wrestlers. I was surprised," Kawabata told police, as quoted by Jiji Press.
Scrawled illegibly by Meathe at 12:45 PM
March 27, 2006
Not a good thing to hear while convalescing.
Jesus, an auxiliary nurse at Huddinge hospital in Stockholm, was asked by hospital officials to change his name to reduce confusion amongst patients.
And probably not a little terror in the elderly.
"Just relax, Mrs Jenkins. Jesus will be here for you in five minutes."
Scrawled illegibly by Meathe at 04:57 PM
March 20, 2006
Pucker up, Sammy
From the files marked "Whiskey Tango Foxtrot", we bring you the latest news of people trying to kill themselves in unusual ways:
Malaysian kisses cobra 51 times in 3 minutes
KUALA LUMPUR, March 19 (Xinhua) -- A Malaysian ex-snake farm worker made a record by kissing a venous cobra 51 times, local media reported Sunday. Shahimi Abdul Hamid, 33, kissed the King Cobra, 4.6 meters longand 10 kilograms heavy, in three minutes and one second Saturday in Genting Highlands near here. The large cobra looked agitated after the first few easy kisses, and then Shahimi showed agility by moving swiftly to avoid being bitten. After the 51st kiss, he received a thunderous applause from the audience at the First World Hotel and Malaysian Deputy Youth and Sports Minister Liow Tiong Lai presented him with a certificate. Shahimi's feat was a world record waiting to be verified.
If anything you're kissing starts to look agitated, its a definite sign that something is going horribly wrong for you.
I was a little surprised there was no monetary award. Obviously an amature event, perhaps something that could be presented to the Olympic committee for inclusion at the next games.
Scrawled illegibly by Meathe at 10:56 AM
March 08, 2006
I'm not making these up either.
More strange news from around the planet.
The Bookseller magazine annually gives an award for the oddest book title. Links go to Amazon pages. This year's winner was the US volume, People Who Don't Know They're Dead: How They Attach Themselves to Unsuspecting Bystanders - and What to Do About It, by Gary Leon Hill, which is said to have sold 15,000 copies. The runner up was Rhino Horn Stockpile Management: Minimum Standards and Best Practices from East and Southern Africa, by Simon Milledge and an honourable mention to Soil Nailing: Best Practice Guidance.
Of course, we always love stories about everyones favourite mischevious pet, crocodilians.
A Russian was savaged by his pet alligator when he tried to show off to friends at a boozy party by feeding it sausages. Anton Skvortsov, 35, kept pet alligator Musya in a cage in his Moscow office and decided, in his cups, to show them how much his pet loved him by feeding it by hand.
The 'Martini Fete' party held by Clear Channel at Milwaukee Art Museum got out of hand after the organisers promised art lovers as many martinis as they could drink for $17. It ended with drunken arties passing out, throwing up and clambering over artworks.
They may yet discover a new Jackson Pollock on the pavement.
Scrawled illegibly by Meathe at 10:55 AM
March 01, 2006
Soccer legend dumbfounded... (and other weird news clippings)
I've been very lax in posting of late, so as filler, here are some snippets from the news that I found entertaining in the last week.
Yahoo news - Grandmother Wrestles Croc Australian grandmother was honoured with a bravery award for wrestling a giant saltwater crocodile as it dragged her friend from a tent. Seeing her friend in the jaws of a 4.2 metre (14-foot), 300 kilogram (660 pound) crocodile, Sorohan "did what anyone would do" and jumped on its back. "It was pretty scary. But it's one of those things -- if you see someone in trouble you've got to help them," Sorohan said. "He was a big one. But I would do the same thing again."
IC Wales (UK) - David Beckham (soccer player) comes to terms with innumeracy "Their homework is so hard these days," Beckham said. "I sat down with Brooklyn (aged 6) the other day -- and I was like, 'Victoria, maybe you should do the homework tonight' ... it's done totally differently to what I was teached when I was at school, and you know, I was like, 'Oh my God, I can't do this.'"He is due to take key-stage tests later this year which may include questions such as subtracting 11 from 50.
Another typical homework question for his age group is working out the change from 50p after buying a pencil costing 24p and an eraser priced at 7p.
Sydney Morning Herald - Person outstares cat nibbling on leg A female rubber tapper working on a Malaysian estate escaped death when she engaged a tiger in a staring match in which the predator was the loser, a newspaper reported today."I was tapping a tree and was not aware of the tiger until it sank its teeth on my thigh," said Kaliyama, 57, who lived to tell her story to the Mandarin-language Sin Chiew newspaper.
"Being caught in an awkward position, with hands held high, all I can do was to shout ama ... ama," she said.
At this point, the tiger released its hold on her and stared at her instead. The staring match lasted several minutes, with both human and predator slowly backing away from each other, with the tiger finally disappearing into the estate.
Sify - Paris Hilton is Mother Teresa. Its so perfect, you'll be surprised you didn't think of it first. Malayalam director, T. Rajeevnath, who was searching for a suitable actress to play Mother Teresa in his film on the Nobel Peace laureate, has decided to ask American actress Paris Hilton to play the Saint.According to sources, the director was impressed when he read a report that the hotel heiress had refused to pose nude in Playboy magazine and decided then to shortlist her. The movie will be mostly shot in West Bengal and several foreign countries.
SBS (Australia) - Sportsmen treated like meat. Romanian second division club UT Arad sold a player in exchange for 15 kilograms of meat, local sport daily Pro Sport reported.However, fourth division Regal Horia made a bad deal because defender Marius Cioara decided to end his footballing career and take off to Spain to find a job in agriculture or construction.
"We are upset because we lost twice - firstly because we lost a good player and secondly because we lost our team's food for a whole week," a Regal Horia official was quoted as saying by the daily in its electronic edition.
Scrawled illegibly by Meathe at 02:07 PM
September 14, 2005
A hards days work.
Four consultants hired to boost staff morale in Britain's Jobcentres came up with the brainwave "more potted plants and sweets" after 20 days' brainstorming. The bill: £60,000 ($120,000 US), or £750 ($1500) each per day.
I really can't say I'm surprised at all. What would surprise me less is that they're related in some fashion to the man who has to sign the cheque.
What would suprise me is if there were a clause in the original contract which allowed non-payment in the event of a ridiculous submission.
Scrawled illegibly by Meathe at 03:46 PM
August 24, 2005
Headlines are as nasty as you make them.
But, some, like this, makes it just too easy.
Depp's 'Chocolate Factory' has tasty opening
More than I wanted to know.
Scrawled illegibly by Meathe at 03:48 PM
August 17, 2005
Just plain odd
A herd of cows in Sverdlovsk, Russia, will have to be fed confiscated marijuana as part of their winter diet after drug enforcement workers destroyed sunflowers and maize that 40 tonnes of dope had been planted among.
Meanhwile, the Fucking signs are being stolen from a small town that can't afford to replace them.
The mayor of the Austrian town of Fucking has asked tourists to stop stealing the road signs. Mayor Siegfried Hauppl said the town recently voted against changing its name. "Fucking is Fucking," he said.
(Update - this one is aparently very, very old, and listed on Snopes)
As Fitzhenry said, "Timing, degree and conviction are the three wise men in this life". When you're an unwise man, the three fates will descend on you with no mercy.
Englishman Melvyn Reed, 59, awoke from triple bypass surgery to a nasty surprise: his three wives were at the foot of his bed. There was nothing wrong with his vision - but his bid to stagger their visits had failed.
Scrawled illegibly by Meathe at 01:03 PM
July 28, 2005
Notting Hill Gate Station
This one popped up at the station. I suspect it's a passenger with a sense of humour and whiteboard marker, as the staff would be flayed alive for that second last line.
Scrawled illegibly by Meathe at 09:48 AM
May 25, 2005
Luke, I am your faaaargh! It burns! It burns!
"The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly, is to fill the world with fools."Herbert Spencer
Yesterday, my friend Bob brought this story to my attention. In short, two people in england thought It a brilliant idea to make light sabres for themselves and then have a duel.
Whilst I've done this myself and had a good many mock battles with my brother (and if it wasn't Star Wars, it was Captain Blood), typical stand-ins for light sabres were cardboard tubes, sticks, plastic piping, and, on the very rare occasion, the authentic plastic replica merchandise. Thankfully, I was far less imaginative than these people.
They, for their own unfathomable reasons, used fluorescent lighting tubes, poured in petrol (gas), lit them to make them glow and commenced whacking at each other.
And, aparently, filmed it.
Putting aside the small details that the fumes from petrol are explosive, that the phosphor compound inside the tubes is highly toxic, that glass typically weakens quite a bit with heat...
Perhaps someone might have thought that banging two sticks of very thin glass together might cause one or both to break.
Burns are terrible things. I've had a few third degree incidents, and they are not experiences I would care to repeat. I can sympathise with the suffering they're doubtless experiencing. But, really, whacking away at each other with what amounts to exceedingly long and fragile glass pipe bombs dilutes this somewhat.
As my friend put it when he sent me the article: "Leads to Darwin Awards, the path of stupidity does."
Scrawled illegibly by Meathe at 11:20 AM