« The United Nations and Kofi. | Main | It bounced? Oh my. How terrible. »
July 31, 2006
It was a dark and stormy night...
The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest has released its 2006 Results, a parody award for bad introductory sentences to fiction (Bulwer-Lytton coined the "It was a dark and stormy night" introduction so loved by Snoopy in a n 1830 novel). This years award was taken by Jim Guigli of Carmichael, CA for this garrulous introduction:
Detective Bart Lasiter was in his office studying the light from his one small window falling on his super burrito when the door swung open to reveal a woman whose body said you've had your last burrito for a while, whose face said angels did exist, and whose eyes said she could make you dig your own grave and lick the shovel clean.
Noteable runners up (and other sub-category winners) include such wondrous confections as:
It was a dreary Monday in September when Constable Lightspeed came across the rotting corpse that resembled one of those zombies from Michael Jackson's "Thriller," except that it was lying down and not performing the electric slide.
The victim said her attacker was nondescript -- 5' 10 and 3/4", 163 pounds, with Clairol #83N hair (a hint of #84N at his temples) -- and last seen wearing Acuvue2 contacts, a white Hanes 65/35% poly-cotton t-shirt with a 3mm round Grey Poupon stain on the neckband, Levi's 501s missing the second button, and Nike Crosstrainers with muddy aglets.
Ramon kissed Juanita hard and fast, his tongue probing her mouth like an urologist's finger searching for a lone polyp on an engorged prostate gland, which reminded Ramon that he needed to get a colonic irrigation to make next week's annual physical more pleasant for both him and his doctor.
The day was like any other, except that this was a Wednesday so it was really only like 1/7th of the other days.
"Send a message back to Command Central on Earth and ask for their advice, which we will be able receive immediately even at this great distance, thanks to the ingenious manipulation of coherent radiation through a Bose-Einstein condensate and the bizarre influence of the Aspect effect, which enables us to impart identical properties to remotely separated photons," Captain Buzz told the feathered Vjorkog at the comms desk, "and tell them our life-pod is going to explode in eight seconds."
And many, many more.
Scrawled illegibly by Meathe at July 31, 2006 03:36 PM
Comments