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July 31, 2006
It was a dark and stormy night...
The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest has released its 2006 Results, a parody award for bad introductory sentences to fiction (Bulwer-Lytton coined the "It was a dark and stormy night" introduction so loved by Snoopy in a n 1830 novel). This years award was taken by Jim Guigli of Carmichael, CA for this garrulous introduction:
Detective Bart Lasiter was in his office studying the light from his one small window falling on his super burrito when the door swung open to reveal a woman whose body said you've had your last burrito for a while, whose face said angels did exist, and whose eyes said she could make you dig your own grave and lick the shovel clean.
Noteable runners up (and other sub-category winners) include such wondrous confections as:
It was a dreary Monday in September when Constable Lightspeed came across the rotting corpse that resembled one of those zombies from Michael Jackson's "Thriller," except that it was lying down and not performing the electric slide.
The victim said her attacker was nondescript -- 5' 10 and 3/4", 163 pounds, with Clairol #83N hair (a hint of #84N at his temples) -- and last seen wearing Acuvue2 contacts, a white Hanes 65/35% poly-cotton t-shirt with a 3mm round Grey Poupon stain on the neckband, Levi's 501s missing the second button, and Nike Crosstrainers with muddy aglets.
Ramon kissed Juanita hard and fast, his tongue probing her mouth like an urologist's finger searching for a lone polyp on an engorged prostate gland, which reminded Ramon that he needed to get a colonic irrigation to make next week's annual physical more pleasant for both him and his doctor.
The day was like any other, except that this was a Wednesday so it was really only like 1/7th of the other days.
"Send a message back to Command Central on Earth and ask for their advice, which we will be able receive immediately even at this great distance, thanks to the ingenious manipulation of coherent radiation through a Bose-Einstein condensate and the bizarre influence of the Aspect effect, which enables us to impart identical properties to remotely separated photons," Captain Buzz told the feathered Vjorkog at the comms desk, "and tell them our life-pod is going to explode in eight seconds."
And many, many more.
Scrawled illegibly by Meathe at 03:36 PM
July 28, 2006
The United Nations and Kofi.
It’s not a secret that I do not like the UN. I think it’s a bloated, bureaucratic, innefective and farcical organization.
Wednesday, I had the pleasure of reading the transcript of Kofi being asked an uncomfortable question:
QUESTION: Thank you very much. James Rosen with Fox News representing the U.S. media. . . Secretary General Annan, I would also like you to address your statement of last night in which you effectively accused the Israelis of deliberately killing four U.N. personnel. Do you believe a statement like that enhances your role as an honest broker of peace?SECRETARY GENERAL ANNAN: . . . let me say that I hope you read my statement and read it very carefully, because when you quote pieces in a press conference it has to be accurate. The statement said "apparently deliberate target." You dropped the word "apparent." I think it’s important in this.
What Kofi said originally was:
“I am shocked and deeply distressed by the apparently deliberate targeting by Israeli Defence Forces of a UN Observer post in southern Lebanon,”
Which does indeed contain the weasel word 'apparently', though could be construed as inflamatory in nature. Kofi uses his standard 'playing the man, not the ball' defense he used so well on Oil-For-Food corruption questions, and sidesteps whether such words enhance his standing as a broker of peace by attacking the reporter’s credibility.
The UN press releases of the 24th through 27th paint a slightly different picture, with Hezbollah firing on and killing peacekeepers in addition to using their positions as cover to launch rockets from. The Peacekeepers were aware of it but there wasn't a damn thing they could do but keep their heads down. The U.N. knew Hezbollah was fortifying positions dangerously close to UN outposts months ago.
There has, of course, been no condemnation of Hezbollah by Kofi on any of this.
Apparently, and I must stress the word apparently, Kofi Anan is a spineless, hypocritical sack of shit.
Scrawled illegibly by Meathe at 09:37 AM
July 24, 2006
Life Meme
I got it from Kittyn, she got it from Kat We all agree it must have been Jamie That gave it to them.
(With apologies to Tom Lehrer)
Well, I thought I'd give it a shot.
1. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
2. Swam with wild dolphins
3. Climbed a mountain
4. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
5. Been inside the Great Pyramid
6. Held a tarantula
7. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
8. Said 'I love you' and meant it
9. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the NorthernSouthern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby's diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne.
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was two faced
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your cds (constantly)
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all days
60. Posed nude in front of strangers
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an "expert" At least filmed on an election night, doing analysis on my laptop with the voiceover being 'Political analyists appear worried'. I was worried.
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Had a one-night stand
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children.
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
98. Created and named your own constellation of stars
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived.
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Petted a stingray
110. Broken someone's heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced-tongue for a short time
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states (Or equalled it, perhaps)
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Petted a cockroach (Had the giant ones as pets, actually)
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey
135. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146: Dyed your hair
147: Been a DJ
148: Shaved your head
149: Caused a car accident
150: Saved someone's life
Scrawled illegibly by Meathe at 11:34 AM
July 12, 2006
Hot rocks
Worried that her daughters' budding breasts would expose them to the risk of sexual harassment and even rape, their mother Philomene Moungang started 'ironing' the girls' bosoms with a heated stone. . .A new survey has revealed it is shockingly widespread in Cameroon, where one in four teen-agers are subjected to the traumatic process by relatives
This is a practice whose side effects include abcesses, infections and breast cancer.
Happily the survey has prompted a nationwide campaign to eradicate the practice.
I have one additional suggestion: How about hot-rock ironing the genitalia of the rapists instead?
Scrawled illegibly by Meathe at 02:20 PM
July 10, 2006
Gooooooooaaaal!
Only one this is more fun than watching the French being defeated in some sporting endeavour. Watching it in a Frecnh bar.
A brief recap of the world cup:
6 minutes: Owner of said bar hands us a large stack serviettes so we may dry our eyes when France scores from a dubious penalty kick. Deafening applause.
19 minutes: Italy scores from a corner kick. Two people clap. 1-1.
45 minutes: We conclude that the Italy is playing a solid defence game and that France is not good at corner kicks after several uninspiring attempts.
63 minutes: Luca Toni, yet to score in the tournament, heads a goal from a penalty kick. Its ruled offside. Not entirely convinced that was a good call.
110 minutes: Zidane, to the astonishment of all, whilst the ball is not in play, headbuts someone in the chest. He did it out of sight of the ref, but was snagged as the Italians asked that the ref consult the linesman, who did see it. Several French are so appalled they applaud lightly as he gets a red card. What an incredibly stupid way to end your final match. France completes the game one man down.
Penalty shootouts: On the second kick, France hits the bar and fails to post the goal. Whilst they move the ball to the other end of the field for the next Italian shot, the serviettes are redistributed to the other tables.
People finish their drinks and quietly file out of the bar to mourn. The TV is packed away. The French flag is removed shortly after its suggested they replace the blue stripe with a green one.
When is the Tour de France?
Scrawled illegibly by Meathe at 10:36 AM
July 06, 2006
The shame of it all! Free Hicks!
Catching up on Australian news, I noticed there is a lot of bleating about how maltreated David Hicks has been. Dave, for those who don't know, has been in Guantanamo Bay for four and a half years. Poor Dave.
Shaun Carney of The Age (our version of the the Grey Lady, with a similar leftwards bent) writes that it was simply:
... Hicks' bad luck to hail from a country whose elected political leadership not only does not give a stuff about him or his legal rights, but appears to actively want his life to be broken as some sort of example or sacrifice. Or something.If Hicks had been, say, a Saudi Arabian or a British citizen when he was captured, he would not be in Guantanamo Bay now. He would be back in his homeland.
Oh, and the by the way, they always added, Hicks is a terrible person who did terrible things. Totally guilty, you understand, even if he hasn't been charged with anything.
Compelling writing indeed. The article also mentions that Hicks is simply an "Adelaide bogan", who might only have "hung out" with al-Qaida terrorists in Afghanistan. As one might do any lazy weekend?
Reading from the charge sheets against him, it appears that he has actually been charged:
In early 2000, he joined a terrorist organisation known as Lashkar e Tayyiba (LET), or "Army of the Righteous".On or about January 2001, Hicks, with funding and a letter of introduction provided by LET, travelled to Afghanistan to attend al-Qaida terrorist training camps . . .
While Hicks was training at al Farouq, Osama bin Laden visited the camp on several occasions. During one visit, Hicks questioned bin Laden regarding the lack of English al-Qaida training material; accepting bin Laden's advice, Hicks began to translate the training camp materials ...
(T)he military commander of al-Qaida summoned and interviewed Hicks about his background and the travel habits of Australians ...
On or about June 2001, Hicks (was) taught how to fight in an urban environment ... and assassination techniques ...
On or about August 2001 ... Hicks and others conducted surveillance of various targets in Kabul, including the US and British embassies, and submitted reports ...
On or about early September 2001, Hicks travelled to Pakistan to visit a friend. After watching television footage of the September 11 attacks ... Hicks returned to Afghanistan to rejoin his al- Qaida associates ...
On or about October 2001, after coalition bombing operations commenced, Hicks joined an armed group outside the (Kandahar) airport, where they guarded a Taliban tank.
After guarding the tank for approximately one week, Hicks, still armed with the AK-47 rifle, ammunition and grenades, travelled with an LET acquaintance to Konduz, Afghanistan, arriving around November 9, 2001. There, he joined others ... who were engaged in combat against coalition forces.
And so on and so forth.
Back to Carney:
He could have evaded capture by the Northern Alliance in Afghanistan in late 2001 by staying out of that country. Instead, having taken off earlier, he went back in to get his meagre belongings.
Which kind of overlaps the 'engaged in combat against coalition forces' part of the charges. Meagre belongings including an AK-47 rifle, ammunition and grenades, perhaps.
(Bob says: Just a case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time holding the wrong thing and pointing it at the wrong people, that's all)
I hope its a long, long stay for him in Guantanamo.
Scrawled illegibly by Meathe at 10:09 AM