« Spam, spam, bacon and spam, spam. | Main | Abracadabra1. Or just use pesticides. »
May 14, 2006
Teleportation patented!
The US Patent office is a haven for the offbeat. Now someone has beaten Scotty to it and applied for a patent on whole body teleportation.
Some of the more entertaining extracts:
Brief Summary
[0001] This invention is a system that teleports a human being through hyperspace from one location to another using a pulsed gravitational wave traveling through hyperspace.
Which was enough to make me want to read more. Not for any hope of a working theory, simply to see what was the genesis of the idea. There wasn't long to wait.
[0002] The basis for this invention is an event, referring to FIG. 1, occurring on May 2, 2004, in which the inventor ("he") personally experienced a full-body teleportation while walking to the bus stop (A) along a road (B) that runs perpendicular to the nearby commercial airport runways where planes are landing. There is a wide iron grating (D) for water drainage that crosses the road at the center of the bus stop. The grating width is such that one has to make a concerted effort to jump across it in order to get from one side to the other. Approximately 50 meters from the iron grating, he (E) felt a vertical wave (F), similar to a flag waving in the breeze, traveling down the street toward the bus stop. The wave velocity was about 1 meter per second, which was slightly faster than his walking speed. In the next instance, he (G) found himself down the street near the corner of the next block. Realizing that he had passed the bus stop, he turned around to see the iron grating approximately 50 meters up the street in back of him. Because there was no recollection of having jumped across the iron grating nor of having passed the bus stop's yellow marker line, he realized that he had been teleported a distance of 100 meters while moving along with the traveling wave. It was obvious that the wave was pulsed because the front edge overtook the inventor, moved with him momentarily, and then the back edge of wave left him as it moved on down the street. While contemplating this sequence of events, he then looked up and saw in a span of a few seconds a twin-turboprop airplane (C) in the distance crossing above the road while making a shallow descent in order to land at the airport.
After several days of intense thought, what had happened became clear. 43 steps later through 26 diagrams, (with Chi Kung breathing and anti-gravity via a Chakra Vortex Accelerator, no less) we arrive at the Detailed Description of the Invention (ie. how to build a teleporter).
[0045] 1. The obelisks are quarried out of granite stone and cut with a large-diameter diamond saw that is used in highway construction. The beveled piece at the top is cut separately and cemented in place. A tapered aluminum bracket holds the toroids in place. [0046] 2. The electronics for the magnetic vortex generator are similar to that used in the patent application Magnetic Vortex Wormhole Generator. [0047] 3. The electronics for the toroidal waveguides is the familiar stub and coaxial cable driven by an amplifier and pulsed variable-frequency generator.
I'm rather suspecting Einstein may have at least been entertained somewhat with his job as a patent clerk.
Scrawled illegibly by Meathe at May 14, 2006 04:25 PM
Comments